Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
