I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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