i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
