I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
