IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize