Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
