Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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