genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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