He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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