I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
being pregnant is like rehab
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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