I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
