The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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