She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
