She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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