Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
