Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
