I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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