wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
