I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
