Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
