i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
