i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
