Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
