I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
