I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
