the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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