How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
