Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
