at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
