This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
