Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
