My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
