brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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