i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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