I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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