Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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