my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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