I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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