margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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