I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
