Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
