I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
