To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
