Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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