its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
