In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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