what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
