My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
