I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
