What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize