I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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