The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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