Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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