woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
