I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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