If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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