The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
