I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
