My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
