I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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