this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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