Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
