her vagine was all disorganized.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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