Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My pussy is not your playground.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
