Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
