someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
