I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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