the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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