She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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