Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
