Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Randomize